PNW Forest Gothic

Something entirely different; some PNW hyperbole that isn’t, really. I present Oregonian Forest Gothic, part one.

Oregon Forest Gothic

-Moss covers everything. Don’t ask exactly what it covers.

-The Forest Service road is a better road than the highway.

-Be sure to wear orange in the fall. It’s the only way to avoid the hunt.

-Firewood is damp, even in July. There is a burn ban. There has always been a burn ban.

-Yes, something does live under the covered bridge. Leave it a beer now and then and be grateful.

-Sometimes there are bones in the hot springs. Do not disturb them.

-Toes are supposed to have webs, here.

-Careful in the deep silent woods, way up the mountain. Anger the trees and they won’t let you out.

-Aunt Jen says to take a stick when you go outside, in case of turkey attack.

-Everyone knows Bridge of the Gods is a toll bridge. But what is the toll?

-This cabin is an empty vacation rental. All the cabins are vacation rentals. There is no way to rent them.

-Dry shoes are a myth. Try sandals.

-Logging roads run for miles. Is it all the same road? Get down the hill before it snows.

-Those old folks live up the creek by themselves for a reason. You don’t want to meet them.

-You try to dig a boulder out of the yard. It is bigger than your car. Bigger than the house. You can’t stop digging.

-Sasquatch is tired of rescuing hikers.

-There’s a tree across the driveway. There will be a tree across the driveway every weekend. You will need a new chainsaw, again.

-That sound at night. It’s only a cat. We hope.

-Some of the clearcuts are haunted. Watch for the bones. Or are those the stumps?

-The creek is talking to you. Will you be the first one to admit it?

-We don’t go up that valley. Don’t ask why, either.

-The alders multiply if you turn your back.

-Sometimes shapes appear and disappear in the rain. Sometimes you’ll recognize them.

-The sawmill runs all night. You’ll never meet anyone who works there.

-Do not leave the summer camp property. Not that you could.

-The mountain is always watching. Always.

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